Dear Tom, I think I'm losing my mind...


I'm tired of so many things that it'd be an easier, shorter list to make if I listed all the things that make me happy.  Basically:  Yarn, audiobooks, and my babies.

Poor kids are the ones to suffer my extreme irritability; them and my mother.

I'm sick with hatred for the ex.  I don't know why he bugs me so.  EVERYTHING he does pisses me off.  At its core, I believe that my extreme dislike for him stems from the fact that we SHOULD NOT be living together.  Exes are exes for a reason.  I'm really glad that for the most part we've been able to keep civility for the sake of the kids.  Hell, we work together better than most coparents, I think.  Due to the situation in which I've found myself because of my alcoholism, and then because of my longing to go to school and gain a more efficient type of independence, the kids have grown up with both of us in the same house.  Do we fight more than a married couple?  I wonder....  cuz I fucking hate him.  lol

Lately I feel like this hatred is CRUSHING me.  I can't even breathe for hatred.  I can't even look him in the eye because I know that the loathing I feel is obvious there.  I wish I didn't have to see him, but I see him every fucking day.
I talk to my mum about this and she says, "Its just a little while longer, ma.  Just till you finish school..."  I tell her, I don't think I'm going to make it.  I'm pretty sure this shit is killing me.

I was about to write about how I approached him to talk about YLL a couple of days ago, but that would be inaccurate.  I didn't approach him to talk.  He was telling IAL what a good girl she is and asking what he could do for her.  I interrupted and said that maybe driving lessons would make a good prize.  IAL is ready for more responsiblility.  I think it'd be good for her actually.  She should drive herself around; she should have a job and earn a little of her own money.  I think she's ready for this.  I feel she's ready because of the type of integrity she shows around the house.  She's honest.  She's responsible about what time she gets up in the morning to get ready; giving herself plenty of time to primp and all that.  She does a good job with her household chores - I rarely have to ask her to do her job, and when she does it, she does it well.  I can ALWAYS tell which of the two girls had dish duty.

Anyway, I interrupted and told him that IAL should have driving lessons, and I added that YLL should not have driving lessons.  I started nagging - I'm aware of that - about how she cannot even handle the responsiblilities she currently has.  But YLL has never been the responsible type.  She's been shirking responsibility since before she reached the age of reason, my poor little lamb.  I remember finding her kindergarten or first grade homework (can't remember which) behind the dresser where she'd been stuffing it all year long.  She cuts corners every chance she gets.  She does a half ass job if she thinks you're not looking.  Sometimes she does a half ass job even if she thinks you'll notice; no doubt hoping that you might be so fucking tired of bitching that  you'll just let it slide.  I don't say this because I hate my child.  I say it because its true.  She has no sense of integrity.  I don't know if she has any real friends; kids she can count on who also count on her.  I sometimes feel like its all my fault.  Like I haven't been there to teach her these life lessons.  For the first 7 or 8 years of her life.. maybe longer, I wasn't really leading by example.  However, how much of it is my fault?  I would take all the blame if it wasn't for IAL who is so totally different.  Perhaps I just shouldn't toot my horn for one, OR hide my face for the other.  Maybe we just give it to God and hope for the best.

So, back to the nagging...  I started telling him about how she doesn't do what she's supposed to... she's up all night.. she sleeps all day... she's not doing what she should to take care of herself...  that I spend all my time driving her from appointment to appointment.........................  and he walked away.  So, I says to thin air.. I says " ... and apparently I'm raising her on my own."  I went to my room, but wasn't there for long before I had to come out for something.  When I saw him in the kitchen he says to me "what did you mean by that?  That you're raising her by yourself.."  I said "I'm trying to talk to you about YLL and you walked away and left me talking to myself."  Then he started screaming at me about how:

.. its obvious that I hate YLL
.. if I hate her so much I should just give up
.. fuck you
.. fuck you
.. fuck you

All of this in front of Chootie and IAL.  Chootie says from the living room "I'm right here you know... "  poor baby
I was so angry that I was crying uncontrollably.. not noisily.. but I couldn't stop.  I didn't say anything to defend myself, partly because I knew that we were over the edge.  Nothing I said would make anything better, but would quickly make things worse.  Plus, the kids were watching.  I went  back to my room and thought of the 28 different ways that I could kill YKW.  Then I thought, I can't do this anymore.  He's gotta fucking go.  He NEEDS to move out.  I'm going to tell him he has till the end of the month and then I'm putting his shit outside and changing the locks.  Then I think of IAL and her drum lessons.. and YLL and her vocal lessons... and about how we're not on welfare and can afford to do fun things sometimes.


It's why I've been stuck where I am for so long.  And if I go get a job on top of my committment to school, I won't be around to raise my kids.  Even if we could afford then to give them the music lessons they don't recieve in our shitty New Mexican school system, the burden would fall on my mom.  She'd be the one taking two or three hours out of each of her days to drive YLL to all of her weekly appointments, take IAL to her lesson, take the boys to karate...  like she doesn't do enough already.  I'm stuck.  I've been sacrificing my own comfort and happiness for years.  The idea is that at some point its supposed to pay off.  My load at school is supposedly going to be more "coordinated" this semester, but it doesn't look any lighter.  I thought I might be able to swing a job, but I don't know.  Lots of girls from the program keep jobs and raise kids.  How well are they doing with their parenting is none of my business, but I can say that last semester I had no job.  I don't worry for money because of YKW.  My mom helps me with the kids.  She even washes my laundry when I can't keep up.  All this help and I had three emotional meltdowns last semester.  I'm not sure I could handle a job, too.  Then I start to think I should just work retail.  Obviously I'm not good in high stress situations.

Everything is so fucked up.  My life is chaos.  I'm pretty sure my daughters are trying to kill me - like if I get mad enough my head will explode.  I feel like shit.  And my mum....

She's full of opinions on what I should do about the girls.  "Take away their phones and their computers... take away take away take away...."  but what am I teaching them that way?  What are they learning?  I try to use every opportunity I can to teach them something.  If they have a phone, at least I have some leverage.  If they have nothing to lose.. then fuck it.   That was my thinking anyway.   Sometimes I want to say "Obviously you think you can raise my kids better than me.  Why don't you just go ahead and take over?"

I can't talk to her cuz she rolls her eyes at me like "well, you're fucking it all up, so what do you expect."
I can't talk to YKW cuz he starts shouting at me..  I don't think he wants to actually raise the kids..  he doesn't mind providing, but he doesn't want to be bothered with the rest... when he feels guilty about it he gets abusive..  I'm not a doctor, but that's what I'm seeing.

The house is so fucking crowded.  The garage is packed with shit AND my mum sleeps in there.  I feel like an Oakie hoarder.

I'm tired of everything.
  • Current Music
    Nightmares by The Violent Femmes

People are strange...

So, I was asked out on an official Valentine's Day date.  I had so much fun.  We went to the casino, which I never do, then we bowled.  There was so much sweetness to it.
Today I deleted all our posts on FB because his ex girlfriend is crazy and apparently...  I dunno.  I don't even know what is apparently happening.
Now I feel super nauseated and pissed off.  Obviously, as per usual, I am the problem.  Not because he says so, because he doesn't.  But because my picker is still broken, and that's what's obvious.
For the purposes of this journal, we will call him Johnny Cash.
  • Current Music
    Whisper You Love Me, Boy by Mary Wells

finals and other hoo hahh

Had my english final on Monday.  It was for pussies.  I got "FULL CREDIT" just for showing up.  Huh?  Man, I hope I don't have to use anything I learned in that class (technical writing) in the future.   lmao  Had my math final today.  Now that bastard snuck some shit up on me.  I took the practice test twice focusing especially, through repetition, on the mother fucking word problems.  There was a mixture problem about a certain percent acidic solution and I'm sure I fucked it up.  I was like THIS ISN'T THE SHIT I PRACTICED!  lmao  The other one I'm pretty sure I failed was a graph where you're supposed to shade the area where x-meow>y or something like that.  Well, that shit wasn't even on the practice test.. how bout that?  hmmmmm  I'm sad about classes being over for two weeks.  I get attached to my instructors and my schedule.  I know this summer semester, with my pre-calc class is gonna be super bitchen.  There will be no final in Psychology.  I'll finish the work tomorrow along with some extra credit work and hope for a low A.  I had a fucking nightmare that I got an 85% as a final grade in one of my classes.. My mum says I'm an extremist.  hahaha  So, yah.. I'm off until June 3rd I think.. Locker rental for my ZUMBA class is on the 27th of this month.

Primus is this Friday at the Convention Center here in Santa Fe.  It better fucking sell out.  The guy putting on the concert rents a mail box at my work.  I'm tempted to ask him if the family and I could meet them but...  I dunno.  It's a 3D show.  They will be here live with a 3D screen/backdrop to add effect.  I'm so excited.

The 25th is March Against Monsanto.  My first protest.  lol  I'm pretty psyched about it.  I'm taking the girls and I guess YKW is gonna tag along.

Speaking of which, I'm going through that time of year again where I can't stand to look at him and I'm having a panic attack about when the fuck I'll be able to live in a place where he doesn't.  It's just not right.. divorced people shouldn't live together.  Yamani got all upset when I mentioned it today.. she cried but Im like WTF!?  I told her she'll ALWAYS be able to see her daddy.    Part of it is that I find it difficult to be kind when I'm feeling like this and I don't want to treat him bad...  I just need my own space and the boys need a room to call their own.  I called section 8 today to see where I am on the waiting list.  I'm number 51.  The girl said maybe within a year they can give me a voucher.  I guess I should just wait.. I just feel bad for the boys and I'm tired of YKW.  I still cant stand the way he talks to the kids, the girls especially.  He's nicer to the boys and they're not even his.  Makes me mad.. I mean I don't want him to be mean to the boys but I do want him to treat his girls in a kind manner.

And speaking of the boys... we had our last session at Gerard's house on Monday.  We can go back in the fall.  There's one girl, she's a typical santa fean...  she has the zia symbol tattooed on her chest with an OM symbol in the center.. has ALOT of drama going on.  Court with an abusive ex and grandparents dying left and right..  there's another lady, she reminds me of one of my aunties except my aunties are beautiful and entertaining.  Oh wait, no she doesn't remind me of them at all.  She waves her hands around alot and speaks nonsense.  I did make friends with one of the ladies.  her name is Cate.  She's hella cool adn funny and easy to talk to.  She has two boys.  The three of them survived a car accident that her boyfriend caused when he started driving like a douchebag because he was pissed at her.  Now he's dead.  We speak openly and say the things we can't say anywhere else.  Like she can say that she has less of a mess to clean up now and she doesn't have to put up with him bringing bullshit into the house.  I can say that it actually crossed my mind that things would be easier without VLB around.  We don't judge each other.  OH, wait.  I might be a little judgmental about the burqueńa.  lol

I've been on a single parents dating website.  Yah, it's not going well.  I don't know what I was thinking.. that 's something that happens once a year, too.  I start feeling like I'm not busy enough and I need some bullshit drama to keep me busy.  lmao

Speaking of bullshit drama, I saw MAR out by my work this week.  He was walking by, because he said the weather was nice for a walk while he was waiting for his Rx.  We had a nice exchange made somewhat uncomfortable for me since I've gained like 10 lbs since I last saw him.  I don't want him to see me chunky, I want him to see me all hot and shit.  Oh well.

Girls and me went to Edward Sharpe last week.  I got two tickets to MELVINS in Albuquerque and no one to go with.  Fuck it.   haha

That's all for meow.

Stay cool me hearties. 
  • Current Music

Time flies *buzz buzz buzzzz*

Oh heck.  I shoulda checked wtf I posted last time I logged on so that I could remember where to start writing from.

Well, one thing I'm sure I never mentioned here... Lee killed himself on Valentine's day.  That's VLB for the purposed of this journal.

One day shy of being three weeks since he'd seen his kids, I got the call.

What happened was:  I had become really uncomfortable leaving the kids with him.  Not long before I stormed out of MJB's house with the boys, VLB had finally introduced me to his girlfriend.  Let's call her "April," for the purposes of this journal.

We met at the mall in front of the carousel.  He said there were a few things he wanted to address during this visit.  1.)  Please help him to enforce some good, strict guidelines for the boys.  Apparently, the grandparents over at MJB's house are very lenient and he didn't feel like they were getting the discipline they needed.  2.) blah blah blah...  *trying to deviate my attention to other stuff* and 3.) "April has something she wants to say to you--I'll leave you two alone to talk.  At this time, VLB and YKW take the kids and walk the mall, leaving "April" and I to talk.

April says to me that she wants to tell me something before the folks at VLB's house get to me first.  She says that when she lived out east, she had custody of her daughter and lived with a man.  It turns out that the man was abusing the little girl and the child was taken from their custody and placed in the home of said man's family.  She said that they won't let her see the kid even though she is innocent but that he gets to see her all the time and that it's not fair and that she's trying really hard to get her shit together so she can be with her daughter again.  Only reason she is in Santa Fe at all, actually, but she can't seem to convince anyone to give her rights back where her child is concerned.  She's innocent?  But can't see her child?  Hmmm..

Hmmm.. hanging out with VLB who's life is obviously falling apart.  Right before Christmas, he'd told me that he was "let go" at work.  Before that, he had a week long stint in the hospital.. really really sick.. turns out he was diagnosed with COPD and an embolism.  Before that, he wrecked his car and got another DUI that he didn't tell me about.  I actually heard about it from my sister who reads OUR local paper from Texass where she lives.  He was sick.. like sniffly and coughing and boogery and just sick.. all the time.  I'm not a doctor but I know that's not good.. and all the same symptoms that come with using cocaine, ironically.  I wasn't born yesterday.  I met him on party days.  I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HE DOES!  You know what they say about bullshitting a bullshitter.

So he's sickly and refuses to take care of himself--this from April who was referring to his inability to stop smoking--evidence to this also came from my own observation.  It's fucking hard to kick nicotine.. I know, I've been there.
So, he's lost his job.  How's he going to make his car and rent payments.

Ok, those two things I just mentioned.. NOT my business really.  The kids have a good home with me and my rent IS paid.  His health, though I want him to be well, is not my concern.  But when he's got a convicted child abuser living with my kids, I've got to TCB.

So, in addition to all the other major life changes happening, he tells me he's going to get a new apartment with april.  So I say, "It doesn't matter to me that you have a new apartment every three months or so.. but maybe, for the sake of the boys' stability, we can come to some sort of agreement?"  Then he says, "Yah, when I have the boys, I'm going to keep them at my grandma's and stay with them there."  Not two weeks after making that agreement he says he's taking them to his new apartment with april.  Then he said they were broken up.. but he's a liar so I don't believe anything he says.  I bring to his attention the agreement that we'd made and he gets angry.  He starts stomping around and JSB says to him "daddy you're not supposed to smoke cuz your sick and you smell like cigarettes."  To which VLB replies "all day EVERY DAY!"  Really rude treating your son like some bum on the street.

That day was the day that things really changed between us.  He told me he was done being a nice guy with me and that he was tired of my personalities.  At this point, I get more uncomfortable with him and I don't want to leave the kids.  So I start checking on them while they are not with me.

I had said to VLB at some point that I was going to be claiming the boys on my income tax because he hadn't been helping me financially at all OR showing up when he was supposed to be there for the boys.  I never asked him for money because I figured if he had them half time, that was fair.  When they went to school, they were with him on the weekends but, Sick days from school, it was my mom who would go and pick them up and the one time that I called him instead of my mom, he answered in a groggy voice and said he just couldn't make it.  GRRRR

Well, three days after he told me he was done being a nice guy he texts me and says that he just claimed one of the boys on his taxes.  But I'd gone three days before that to e-file and he basically called me a liar because the first day to file didn't coincide with the day that I went in to my accountant to file.  I told him he should amend his taxes because he would be in trouble for trying to pull a fast one.  He said "Oh well"

That weekend I go to drop the boys off at MJB's house like I always do even though VLB was being suuuuper douchy and I was nervous about leaving the kids with him.  I thought, I'll just leave them overnight and come get them early in the morning.  Well, MJB rushes out to meet me at the gate.  As if she'd known about his embarrassing trip to the tax preparer when he tried to pull the rug out from under me.  I texted him asking if he'd sent his grandma out to meet me at the door and I might have called him a coward.  Then I told him I'd be there in the morning to pick the boys up and he said "we won't be around."  So I said "where exactly will they be?"  He said "we're going to Albuquerque."  I flipped a bitch and went straight back to MJB's house.  I texted him and said "come outside, we need to have a talk."

When he came out, he came out barking.  He said "WTF do you want?"  I said "I want to talk to you about our kids."  He said "well WTF?  Say what you have to say."  I said "I worry about the kids' safety and I don't believe anything you say to me." He said "you don't have to worry about them when they're with me."  I said "you have a convicted child abuser living in your house!"  He said "you did the same when you had them living with MAR!"  I said "how does that make it okay?!"

At this point, we were both talking but neither of us was listening to the other.  So I said "we're going by my rules or I'm coming back with a court order" and he said "go get your court order then."  I said "I'm taking my boys now."  And he followed me in to the house mumbling cuss words and talking shit.  We get inside and I start putting the boys shoes on.  They start screaming that they don't want to leave with me.  He tells them that he understands that they're upset but that their mother is a terrible person.  Then he says to me "see how you're hurting them?  You don't even spend any time with them,  It's always YKW or your mom!"


They cried all the way to the school where we went to pick their sisters up.  I explained that I had to fix things so that they could go back and that I would fix it as fast as I could so that they could go back.  Well, it took me one week to get an appointment with a lawyer but before I could make it to that appointment, my friend introduced me to his mom who works in the very court department I'd be dealing with.  She told me about a free clinic happening in one week.  I thought to myself, I'll fill out the paperwork on my own, go the the clinic and have them look my stuff over, then I'll go and try to ask VLB to sign the paperwork as it's filled out where he would agree to give me full legal and physical custody and supervised visits until he can get better.

Well, the clinic would have been the Saturday after Valentines day and it never happened.  MJB called me on that Wednesday asking if VLB could see the kids before he went to court on Tuesday since he would be facing DUI sentencing and would very likely go to jail or rehab for a while.  I said if he wants to sign the paperwork as I have it drafted, I'll take the kids and they can spend the nights there supervised until he goes to court on Tuesday.  She told me that she tried and tried to call all of Wednesday but that he didn't answer. When she and uncle DB went to check on him, they found him..  from what I understand, he attempted twice unsuccessfully but succeeded the third time to hang himself in a closet.

She was crying hard when she called on Thursday.  She said they'd just found him.  That she didn't know how we were going to tell the boys.

VLB's dad came over the next day, Friday.  He said he wanted to be the one to tell them.  My mom, MJB and I were all there with him when he told them that their daddy was sick and died the other day.  Jareth made a weird face.. the kind of face a kid makes when you jump out from behind a wall and scare them. But he sustained it for a couple of seconds and kept trying to shove cereal in his gramma MJB's mouth.  Charlie looked at the grown ups and came and crawled in my lap.  I held them and told them that everything was going to be okay.  That I am going to take care of them and everything is going to be okay.  :'(

Since then, we've made appointments to have the boys go to a grief support group at an awesome place called GERARD'S HOUSE.  They will be with other kids their age.  I will be there and so will VLB's dad.  The first group meeting is this Monday.  Same day I have an appointment with social security in the morning to see about getting VLB's benefits for the boys.  When we went to GH to register and see what the program was all about, the lady that greeted us told me that they would support me in whatever decision I made about what to say to the boys about what happened to their dad but that just for my information, it was her experience that telling the truth in an age appropriate fashion was better than telling them a lie.  Even when it comes to suicide.  She said a bunch of stuff I really didn't hear after that and then she said the one thing I did hear and that is that if they find out the truth later about how he died, and they most certainly would, they would very likely have to grieve all over again.  That's all it took to convince me that they should know the truth.

That same day, we went into an office and I told the boys the truth.  I told them that I knew that they thought their dad had died from smoking but that it wasn't true.  I said: Daddy WAS sick, in his body and in his mind.  He had headaches and he was sick from smoking but he was also sick from his mind.  He was sad alot and he was confused.  His brain wasn't working right anymore and he couldn't think right.  So, being sick in his body and his mind and being sad all the time and confused, he decided he didn't want to live anymore.  So he took a chord and put it around his neck.  And when a person does that, they can't breathe.  and if they can't breathe, their brain stops working and when their brain stops working, so does their heart and the rest of their body.  And when your brain and your heart and your body don't work, you die and your spirit goes.  I said "that's how daddy died.  He was sad and sick and confused.  but he loved you so very much.  His whole heart belonged to you. And if you ever have any questions after this, you can ask me and I'm going to tell you the truth.

*SIGH*  That has to be one of the hardest fucking truths I've ever ever EVER had to face up to.

  • Current Music
    Under Pressure


I haven't a piece of meat since October 10th.  I've been trying to stay away from cheese but that shit is in everything. lol  Lala joined me in my efforts to give up animal products.  She's gone to the extreme though.  We got Domino's the other day and she started crying while pulling the cheese off of her pizza and ended up making tofu scramble for herself.  
  • Current Mood
    tired tired

longest day ever

I've been at the fucking pediatrician every week for the last three weeks.  *sigh*  today we went to the dentist in addition to the doctor.  Jaybirdie did so well at the dentist.  He let the assistant brush and floss for him..  Charlie couldn't get his teeth done because he's so sick, hence the visit to the doctor

I noticed his chest and tummy working against each other.. that chugging motion I've seen so often in Yamani because she has asthma so I took him because I get so scared.  Struggling to breath is fucking serious.  That shit almost killed Yamani when she was two and had pneumonia.  Dr. Dennis sent the baby home with a nebulizer and a prescription for some Albuterol for the machine.  I hate how that fucking steroid gets their little heart rate going but if it helps him breathe.  

Lee pissed me off this morning, speaking of sick kids.  I called him to see if he would go pick the babies up cuz the school called me after charlie threw up and Jareth got a bloody nose from a friendly jab in the nose from his buddy Robert who was teasing him saying that the dinosaur was gonna bite him. lol   Anyway, that useless dipshit grumbled, half asleep, that he really couldn't, today.  I fucking GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!  HATE THAT SHIT!!  I wanted to yell so many things like, "WTF? DO YOU HAVE A NEW BREATHILIZER AND CAN'T MANAGE CUZ YOU'RE DRUNK FROM LAST NIGHT?"  or some other shit about how he was useless.. but instead I just called my mom to come get them, please and she did.  I just don't get it.  He's off all fucking morning,..   what's more important than his kids?  Thank God for backup.  

So, I got outta school and came to pick the boys up to take Jareth to the dentist.  I was gonna leave Charlie with my mom cuz she was just going to get the girls and come back home and I thought he could hang out with her and rest.  Of course, he wasn't having it, he wanted to come with me.  Then I had to be lugging him around sick like he is and him and Jareth in public is a real fucking circus..  After the dentist, I noticed his inhaler treatment I'd given him before we left the house wasn't doing anything for him and so I decided to take him to the doctor.  

Then I came home quickly to try and make a quiche but that shit takes FOREVER!!!  Especially when you haven't ever fucking made one before!!  

So I left that partially done and took off to go to Lala's performance at school. *sigh*  Left that early to go get Charlies meds at Walgreens and order pizzas cuz there was no way I was going to finish that quiche before 1030pm.  

Finished watching THE LAZARUS PROJECT- it was awesome, I think. Cleaned the kitchen.

Oh yah, and I got in a fight with YKW.  Mostly, I was pissed because I'm sick of this half ass bullshit from him and VLB.  WTF?  Are we parenting fucking part time or what?  Be fucking informed about what's going on with your kids!  Don't expect me to dress you and tie your fucking shoes, too, so that you don't forget to ask about what is going on with your children.  FUCKING SHOW UP!!!

*WHEW*  I'm done :) 
  • Current Mood
    tired tired

building a doll house

Lala saved $230.00 to purchase a dollhouse.  It's called Victorian Painted Lady and it is magnificent!  i might already have gone off about how good she was about saving her money and how it took months and months.  Everytime we went into Hobby Lobby, she would make us go over to the dollhouse section so she could stare at the model they have on display.  

I spent like 6 hours yesterday sorting, measuring, and labeling parts.  Today we painted the walls Red Pepper.  Even YKW joined in.  

I think not eating meat is making me nicer.

I spoke at ameeting this morning.  It was awesome.  I shared about the dollhouse there, too.  lol  I also shared about how I'm inschool to become a nurse someday.  It was suggested to me that I should see if I can get in as an assitant at a hospital so I can start learning the ropes.  Apparently nurse new hires are expected to have experience. lol  This was also suggested to me, in addition to Olivia at the meeting, by Rebekah from Hastings.  Maybe I should take heed.

Life is good.  Perhaps tonight I can get to bed early.  *ahem*
  • Current Mood
    relaxed relaxed

Day 11

Today is day 11 with no meat.  

It's going well, I think.  I haven't cut the cheese yet (pun intended) but it's in the mail, I'm pretty sure. What else.. Oh!  I have taken a couple bites of eggs when the boys don't finish theirs.  Also, bread has eggs and I've been eating bread.  Oh, and butter!  Not a lot of it..  okay well, the other day I did have a bunch cuz the recipe called for it.  They were pastries with sauteed veggies and feta on the inside.  So SCRUMPTIOUS!!  The good,or bad, thing is that I still cook like for an army even though the kids aren't really feeling my veggie style.  So, I have leftovers for days and days.  The leftovers are so awesome, though.  Tonight, third night in a row, I'm having tofu stir fry.  It's got soba, broccoli, bok choy, and all kinds of other tastiness.  It's been kinda difficult making stuff the kids might still like.  I'm going to keep trying though.  Today, I had veggie juice three times.  I did break at some point and had candy and two donuts but when candy and donuts is an all day thing, doing it once in a day is total kickass progress.  :)   Gonna try the veggie juice thing again tomorrow and I'm gonna keep trying until I can get like six or seven days in a row, juice fast. :) 

My mom, the girls, and I went to Hobby Lobby today to return the doll house that Lala saved up for for months and months.  I gave her five dollars a week and she saved until she had $120!!!  She was so dedicated to saving that money.  She wouldn't spend on anything and she would always leave her money at home so as to not be tempted to spend it.  I wish I had skills like that.  I told her that if she saved half of it, I'd give her the other half-so she saved up for the biggest most expensive house Hobby Lobby had.  It's a victorian doll house called THE  PAINTED LADY.  It's fucking fabulous.  I took her to make the purchase the first wee of October.  She was so happy.  She and Yamani kept asking when we were gonna be able to put it together but I was busy for the last couple of weekend and Philip cannot be trusted with this kinda thing.  Once, he assembled my entertainment center and he fucked it up so that one of the entertainment center panels was facing out and you could see the ply wood.  He doesn't like instructions or some shit.  

Anyway, they didn't listen and opened the box with their dad while I was away at Angelfire.  When I came back, they informed me that there was no manual and that some of the parts were broken.  So, today I called and spoke to some new assistant manager guy.  I told him we needed an exchange because of all the shit I just mentioned.  He said that without a receipt he didn't think that the store manager would feel inclined to give me such a big refund.  $229.99 was the ticket price.  I was honest and told him that we had a coupon and payed 60% of the ticket price only.  He said I'd have to duke it out with the store manager, that he wasn't gonna make a decision on it.

When my mom came home I asked her if she'd like to come to HL with me and raise some hell,she said yes.  So we all packed in and took the Painted Lady back to the store, afterall, the dude had said someone would call me within the hour and two hours had passed without contact from anyone.  Steven, guy in charge at the store, asked for my receipt.  Told me that these were issued that had to be brought to the manufacturer now that I had taken the PL out of the store.  I said I bought this HERE, IN GOOD FAITH.  Believing that these people carry good products and believing in the sign they have at every register that says "receipt or no, it's all about customer service."  He basically told me to go to hell.  When I was going back into the store we crossed paths again and he offered to exchange it.  I don't know why he had a change of heart but I was glad he did.  If they hadn't exchanged for me, it would have been like Lala just handed over all of her loyalty and dedication and gotten nothing in return.  Part of why they require the receipt, according to Steven, is because they can't return it to the manufacturer and get THEIR money back without it.  

We came home with a new PAINTED LADY in a box that looked 100% better than the first and I left there with a promise to Steven that if I had any problems with this exchanged doll house, I would then go to the manufacturer.  Lala is happy.  <3

I waited until today to start and finish the essay that's due tomorrow in class.  Wish me luck.. I'm not sure I did very well.  :(
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