I'm tired of so many things that it'd be an easier, shorter list to make if I listed all the things that make me happy. Basically: Yarn, audiobooks, and my babies.
Poor kids are the ones to suffer my extreme irritability; them and my mother.
I'm sick with hatred for the ex. I don't know why he bugs me so. EVERYTHING he does pisses me off. At its core, I believe that my extreme dislike for him stems from the fact that we SHOULD NOT be living together. Exes are exes for a reason. I'm really glad that for the most part we've been able to keep civility for the sake of the kids. Hell, we work together better than most coparents, I think. Due to the situation in which I've found myself because of my alcoholism, and then because of my longing to go to school and gain a more efficient type of independence, the kids have grown up with both of us in the same house. Do we fight more than a married couple? I wonder.... cuz I fucking hate him. lol
Lately I feel like this hatred is CRUSHING me. I can't even breathe for hatred. I can't even look him in the eye because I know that the loathing I feel is obvious there. I wish I didn't have to see him, but I see him every fucking day.
I talk to my mum about this and she says, "Its just a little while longer, ma. Just till you finish school..." I tell her, I don't think I'm going to make it. I'm pretty sure this shit is killing me.
I was about to write about how I approached him to talk about YLL a couple of days ago, but that would be inaccurate. I didn't approach him to talk. He was telling IAL what a good girl she is and asking what he could do for her. I interrupted and said that maybe driving lessons would make a good prize. IAL is ready for more responsiblility. I think it'd be good for her actually. She should drive herself around; she should have a job and earn a little of her own money. I think she's ready for this. I feel she's ready because of the type of integrity she shows around the house. She's honest. She's responsible about what time she gets up in the morning to get ready; giving herself plenty of time to primp and all that. She does a good job with her household chores - I rarely have to ask her to do her job, and when she does it, she does it well. I can ALWAYS tell which of the two girls had dish duty.
Anyway, I interrupted and told him that IAL should have driving lessons, and I added that YLL should not have driving lessons. I started nagging - I'm aware of that - about how she cannot even handle the responsiblilities she currently has. But YLL has never been the responsible type. She's been shirking responsibility since before she reached the age of reason, my poor little lamb. I remember finding her kindergarten or first grade homework (can't remember which) behind the dresser where she'd been stuffing it all year long. She cuts corners every chance she gets. She does a half ass job if she thinks you're not looking. Sometimes she does a half ass job even if she thinks you'll notice; no doubt hoping that you might be so fucking tired of bitching that you'll just let it slide. I don't say this because I hate my child. I say it because its true. She has no sense of integrity. I don't know if she has any real friends; kids she can count on who also count on her. I sometimes feel like its all my fault. Like I haven't been there to teach her these life lessons. For the first 7 or 8 years of her life.. maybe longer, I wasn't really leading by example. However, how much of it is my fault? I would take all the blame if it wasn't for IAL who is so totally different. Perhaps I just shouldn't toot my horn for one, OR hide my face for the other. Maybe we just give it to God and hope for the best.
So, back to the nagging... I started telling him about how she doesn't do what she's supposed to... she's up all night.. she sleeps all day... she's not doing what she should to take care of herself... that I spend all my time driving her from appointment to appointment......................... and he walked away. So, I says to thin air.. I says " ... and apparently I'm raising her on my own." I went to my room, but wasn't there for long before I had to come out for something. When I saw him in the kitchen he says to me "what did you mean by that? That you're raising her by yourself.." I said "I'm trying to talk to you about YLL and you walked away and left me talking to myself." Then he started screaming at me about how:
.. its obvious that I hate YLL
.. if I hate her so much I should just give up
.. fuck you
.. fuck you
.. fuck you
All of this in front of Chootie and IAL. Chootie says from the living room "I'm right here you know... " poor baby
I was so angry that I was crying uncontrollably.. not noisily.. but I couldn't stop. I didn't say anything to defend myself, partly because I knew that we were over the edge. Nothing I said would make anything better, but would quickly make things worse. Plus, the kids were watching. I went back to my room and thought of the 28 different ways that I could kill YKW. Then I thought, I can't do this anymore. He's gotta fucking go. He NEEDS to move out. I'm going to tell him he has till the end of the month and then I'm putting his shit outside and changing the locks. Then I think of IAL and her drum lessons.. and YLL and her vocal lessons... and about how we're not on welfare and can afford to do fun things sometimes.
It's why I've been stuck where I am for so long. And if I go get a job on top of my committment to school, I won't be around to raise my kids. Even if we could afford then to give them the music lessons they don't recieve in our shitty New Mexican school system, the burden would fall on my mom. She'd be the one taking two or three hours out of each of her days to drive YLL to all of her weekly appointments, take IAL to her lesson, take the boys to karate... like she doesn't do enough already. I'm stuck. I've been sacrificing my own comfort and happiness for years. The idea is that at some point its supposed to pay off. My load at school is supposedly going to be more "coordinated" this semester, but it doesn't look any lighter. I thought I might be able to swing a job, but I don't know. Lots of girls from the program keep jobs and raise kids. How well are they doing with their parenting is none of my business, but I can say that last semester I had no job. I don't worry for money because of YKW. My mom helps me with the kids. She even washes my laundry when I can't keep up. All this help and I had three emotional meltdowns last semester. I'm not sure I could handle a job, too. Then I start to think I should just work retail. Obviously I'm not good in high stress situations.
Everything is so fucked up. My life is chaos. I'm pretty sure my daughters are trying to kill me - like if I get mad enough my head will explode. I feel like shit. And my mum....
She's full of opinions on what I should do about the girls. "Take away their phones and their computers... take away take away take away...." but what am I teaching them that way? What are they learning? I try to use every opportunity I can to teach them something. If they have a phone, at least I have some leverage. If they have nothing to lose.. then fuck it. That was my thinking anyway. Sometimes I want to say "Obviously you think you can raise my kids better than me. Why don't you just go ahead and take over?"
I can't talk to her cuz she rolls her eyes at me like "well, you're fucking it all up, so what do you expect."
I can't talk to YKW cuz he starts shouting at me.. I don't think he wants to actually raise the kids.. he doesn't mind providing, but he doesn't want to be bothered with the rest... when he feels guilty about it he gets abusive.. I'm not a doctor, but that's what I'm seeing.
The house is so fucking crowded. The garage is packed with shit AND my mum sleeps in there. I feel like an Oakie hoarder.
I'm tired of everything.